Extreme, heavy-handed consequences often backfire in the long run.
Here’s how many parent-child situations flow:
Child misbehaves.
Parent gives a heavy consequence in hopes that the child
will “remember” the consequence or “learn the lesson” and not misbehave
again. The idea behind traditional discipline is that children will not
misbehave out of fear of more consequences.
Child endures the heavy consequences along with one or more of the 4 R’s of Punishment (found in the Positive Discipline books by Jane Nelsen.)
- Resentment
- Revenge
- Rebellion
- Retreat (a) Sneakiness (b)Reduced Self Esteem
Parent feels that they have done their job.
Child misbehaves more as a result of one or more of the 4 R’s of Punishment.
Extreme consequences may appear to work on the surface or for the
short term. Parents definitely feel like their children are not
“getting away with” misbehavior when parents give a huge consequence.
But in the long run, heavy weight consequences create more damage than help.
When parents focus on making a child pay for misbehavior (by
suffering a heavy consequence), children aren’t likely to feel sorry
for misbehaving or want to do better in the future. Children might
appear to behave on the surface to avoid further punishment or heavy
consequences. But many parents are striving for a higher result -
children who behave because they want to be respectful to others and
because it feels good to do the right thing.
If parents want children to become responsible, parents can offer
consequences that follow the three R’s (see Consequences Don’t Have to
be Extreme on 5/18/08) and offer a way for a child to make up for
misbehavior or come up with a solution to stop misbehaving.
Think through
consequences before you give them.
by Kelly Pfeiffer, Certified Positive Discipline Associate/Trainer