Many parents make the mistake of issuing heavy consequences.
They believe that heavier consequences will make more of an impact on children
than light consequences. Parents often equate a sizeable consequence with a sizeable
amount of learning.
In the book Positive Discipline, Jane Nelsen recommends
using the three R’s of logical consequences. When parents use the three R’s
guidelines, consequences must pass the test of being
To make consequences even more helpful, consequences can
help focus on a solution to the problem.
Example
My kids got into the habit of coming home from school and
racing straight to the computer or TV screens without first doing their jobs.
Even with a parent educator as a parent, my kids are normal. They have
different priorities than adults, just like other typical children.
Each day I’d have to go in the bonus room and ask “Are your
jobs done?” The children “know” what the question means, so each child would
reluctantly go do their jobs and return to the bonus room. I also noticed that
the jobs were not being completed in a thorough way – beds were sloppily made,
the cat litter box lid sat askew, etc.
One day I announced to the kids, “No bonus room or
electronics until after dinner.”
“When did we decide that?” asked one of the kids. (They have
been learning to make decisions together during family meetings.)
“Well, that’s just until you kids can come up with a
solution on how to get your jobs done before going in the bonus room. If I say
that you need to wait until after supper to do electronics, then you’ll have
plenty of time to get your jobs done,” I explained.
“So can we go in the bonus room after supper if we haven’t
done our jobs?” asked one kids with a grin on her face.
“Uh………..no,” I answered. “This is only until you guys come
up with a solution. You need to figure out a plan so that you are responsible
to remember your jobs, not me.”
This consequence might seem light to many parents.
I could have (but didn't)
-taken away their bonus room privileges for a few days or
even for a week (which meets the 3 R’s of logical consequences, but doesn’t put
the responsibility on the kids to come up with a solution to the problem)
-given the kids extra chores to do (which also meets the 3
R’s of logical consequences but again doesn’t focus on the root of the problem)
-grounded the kids for a week (which isn’t related nor
focuses on a solution)
To me, my consequence was “enough” of a consequence to get the kids
working on a solution. It was related to the jobs because playing on
electronics was what seemed to keep the kids from doing their jobs. It was
respectful because I didn’t use blame or shame. It was reasonable because it
did make sense that the kids would have time to get their jobs done if they
were distracted by the electronics until after dinner.
There are many other Positive Discipline tools I could have used to handle this situation.
The kids did come up with a solution. I’ll share more about that another time
too. For now, think through consequences before you give them out. Use the
three R’s of logical consequences: Related,
Respectful and Reasonable. I have found that many of the “light”
consequences are more effective in the long run than “heavy” consequences
especially when parents add in a clause about finding solutions.
